The GOP

I think the essence of the Republican Political Party can best be expressed through the names of popular (and not so popular) James Brown song names.

"Funky President (People It's Bad)"

"Cold Sweat"

"Give it Up or Turn it Loose"

"Deep In It"

"Super Bad"

"I'm a Greedy Man"

"Talkin' Loud and Sayin' Nothin'"

"Doing it to Death"

"The Payback"

"Papa Don't Take No Mess"

It's Official

It's official. It finally happened. My computer thinks I'm gay. You know how high powered corporate supercomputers and adware decide what kind of advertisements to inject into your every day web browsing? Lately, I've been getting advertisements that make me question my sexuality - I mean, my computer is way smarter than I am, right? It performs complex mathematical calculations 1000's of times a second. I could maybe do one in 10 minutes and probably incorrectly. Do I want to meet sexy singles? Yeah, maybe I do, but not men, and certainly not swingers from Arkansas.

"Make your own cookbook In just minutes, it's easy! Create a TasteBook with top online recipes or your own. Beautiful, hardcover design, the perfect gift." That's what MySpace thought I'd like; certainly sounds like something I'd enjoy doing with my free time. A wise man once said "Free time isn't free" or was it "Freedom isn't free"? Well, either way computer, "You don't know me!" We do do some intimate things together like personal emails, facebook poking and the occasional "naughtyness". You are my best friend, my companion, my favorite tool in the search for Chinese bootlegged DVDs, a mentor, and you promised you'd never tell!

Windows vista looks pretty appealing and I could sure use more expandability and flexibility from my peripherals. I've got my eye on you! Consider this a wakeup call; consider this your first and last warning! 'Cause next time, I won't be so forgiving.

Or you will do the hardest surfing there is. No more protection from the firewall. I'll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton you call a desk and put you in with the biggest P2P file server I can find. You'll think you got effed by a train! And the external hard drive? Gone! Sealed off brick by brick! We'll have us a little restore disk-barbecue in the yard! They'll see the flames for miles! We'll dance around it like wild Indians! Do you understand me? Or am I being obtuse?

You Can Put Lipstick on a Pig...

'Nuff Said.

Carson Daly

Dear Carson Daly,

For seven, long years you have been torturing me with your mindless talk show. Me, being without cable, am limited in my late night television selection, and am forced to choose between your show and whatever corny movie is on the Spanish network. Last night, you chewed the fat with Vern Troyer b.k.a. Mini Me. I don't know what was more disturbing Mini Me's freakish proportions or your relentless barrage of high fives. Yeah, he's a small, frail man who got his Hollywood start doing stunts for child actors, but he's a grown ass man! No need to treat him like I treat my girlfriend's 7 year old cousins.

Furthermore Mr. Daly, I can't name on sleep deprived college student studying for an all nighter who wants to see the Jonas Brothers perform their new pop smash hit at 2 o'clock in the morning. It's enough to drive a man to drink. I wish I had a team of trained surgeons who could rush me into a secret location and remove the part of my brain that remembered Carson Daly (and Kenny G for that matter.)

The words "Grimy" and "Street" should never exit your lips especially when conversing with The Game. Any and all of your so called "street cred" died the day you left MTV and took the shameless journey deep into the bowels of late night television obscurity. Your obvious man-crush on Ryan Seacrest is the stuff of legend, and, if I hear one more reference to either Lindsey Lohan or Paris Hilton's genitalia, I think I might end it - I think I might end it right then.

In conclusion, Mr. Daly, you're pretty basically the bane of my existence. Not a day goes by where I don't hope to pop on the television and see reruns of Cavemen, because, as bad as that show was, anything's better than Last Call With Carson Daly.

Fantasy Football

Last Sunday my friends and I gathered around our respective computers and began the chase for the Burt Lancaster Chalice. That's right, I'm speaking of the highly coveted Cabin XFL Fantasy Football League Trophy.

It was a cut throat environment where the men were separated from the boys by, sometimes, less than a point. Last year, the XFL was my own personal hell where where I lived life 3 feet at a time.

As you can tell I'm still a little bit sour about last year. We won't delve into the past, but I didn't do all that well. Week one came on like a lamb and went out like a lion. I crushed my opponent, with the force of a semi tractor trailer slamming into a watermelon stand. My opponent's innards were expelled like the seeds of an over ripened tomato hitting a store window. Here is the proof...

DIVISION 1
TEAM, OWNER(S)	PF	PA	HOME	AWAY	DIV	STREAK
Bill Brasky's Legends	116	88	0-0-0	1-0-0	1-0-0	W1
Captain Kirk's Revenge	108	92	1-0-0	0-0-0	1-0-0	W1
Unstoppable Tasty Nachos	88	58	1-0-0	0-0-0	1-0-0	W1
Cabin X 18-1's	87	27	0-0-0	1-0-0	1-0-0	W1
lil' Zac's Ballers	79	73	1-0-0	0-0-0	1-0-0	W1
Korupto's Sidekick	92	108	0-0-0	0-1-0	0-1-0	L1
Tracy Jordan's Stabbing Robots	88	116	0-1-0	0-0-0	0-1-0	L1
cookie crisp	73	79	0-0-0	0-1-0	0-1-0	L1
Stadium Area RATS	58	88	0-0-0	0-1-0	0-1-0	L1
East Providence Rectal Warts	27	87	0-1-0	0-0-0	0-1-0	L1

New Features!

Check Out My New Features!

- Reduced Bow Rise
- Eliminates Chinewalking
- Stops Porpoising
- Wipes Out Cavitation
- Delivers True Stabilization
- Saves Fuel!
- Reduced Hydrodynamic Drag
- Improved Top End Speed
- NO-DRILL Mounting Design
- Junior Model Availiable

Universal Remotes

Why does everyone have so many universal remotes? If it's universal, don't you only need one? Every electronic device I buy comes with one. The one I have for the tv in my bedroom broke, so I had to go to Circuit City and get a universal remote to replace it. The real replacement was somewhere near $29.99 plus shipping. Unfortunately the universal remote doesn't have a sleep time function, so the tv stays on 'till all hoursof the morning. I'm sure that it has cost me more in the long run in electricity than it would have to buy the exact replacement, but I digress.

If they are universal should they work with everything and do everything? Am I asking too much of a 30 year old piece of infrared technology? I think not! The solution? A simple light timer purchesed at ACE hardware for $5.99. Take that remotes.com!